We think everyone will agree that successful communication is fundamental to a good marriage, but what does it take to communicate successfully?
Creating with Words.
As we typically do, we’ve gone back to the basics for certain fundamental information. The Torah teaches us, right at the beginning of Genesis, that God created with His words. “Let there be light,” He said. “And there was light.” (Gen. 1:3). Similarly—by speaking–God created the heavens, the earth, the sea, vegetation, the sun, moon and stars, fish, fowl, animals and people.
God was very clear. He looked inside Himself, saw what He wanted, and said it—clearly and powerfully.
Are our words this powerful? You bet!
From Bob Proctor’s concept of repeating affirmations to reprogram the unconscious mind to Joseph Tellushkin’s Words That Hurt; Words That Heal, we can see that even modern thinkers, secular and theological, agree that words are loaded with powerful, creative messages.
Communication.
So, how do we harness this power in a way that will enhance our relationships?
Well, the first step is to look at how “communication” is defined by Merriam-Webster:
The act or process of communicating; the imparting or interchange of thoughts, opinions, or information by speech, writing, or signs; something imparted, interchanged, or transmitted; a document or message imparting news; activity by one organism that changes or has the potential to change the behavior of other organisms; transfer of information from one cell or molecule to another, as by chemical or electrical signals.
We find this interesting, because all these definitions imply that there is something “sending out” a communication, but nowhere do the definitions identify by what means an “interchange” takes place. If everyone’s talking, is anyone communicating?
Listening.
By now you’ve noticed the one word that is conspicuously absent in the definition of communication: listening.
In our dictionary search for “listening,” we found the following:
To give attention with the ear; attend closely for the purpose of hearing; give ear.
To give attention with the ear. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the level of listening in most relationships.
To give ear. Really? What else you got? When we need to be listened to, presenting your ear is not nearly enough.
How can we bring listening to a whole new level in which all marriages can be dramatically altered so that both members feel really listened to, nurtured, fulfilled, enhanced, brought closer, connected on a deeper level than ever before…oh, and happier and more satisfied?
Re-creation.
We’ve spoken in our previous blog post about re-creation, and we delve deeply into the concept in our upcoming book, The Four Steps to a Successful Marriage. When you re-create another, you remove yourself and your “chatter” from the space and fully allow for the expression of your loved-one’s emotions, attitudes and points of view. Without re-creation, true communication cannot take place. And, without true communication, we will never experience or fulfill our dreams of what a relationship could be.
Saying “No.”
So now that we’ve removed all obstacles to communication, and our spouse is feeling “heard,”—perhaps for the first time—do we have permission to decline what is being asked of us?
There is not only the option, but the responsibility to say “no” if you are unwilling or unable to do the thing that is being asked of you.
Many of us say “yes” to avoid confrontation, to avoid disappointing the other person. But we are only delaying the confrontation, postponing the disappointment, because if we say “yes” when we should be saying “no,” we are putting a lie into the space.
And, when the communication contains a lie, everything built upon it is shaky.
A story.
My husband was so excited by his promotion that he wanted to go out to dinner to celebrate. I had just put in a 50-hour work week, and I was looking forward to spending a quiet evening at home. I felt that I couldn’t say “no,” but…I just had to decline. I was exhausted.
His face could not conceal his disappointment.
At this point, I would have “martyred” myself for his sake. I would have gone to dinner—against my own wishes—and resented myself and everyone around me throughout the entire dinner.
And, if I sat stewing in resentment, guess who else would have been upset? So I told the truth, as painful as it might turn out to be. And now he was upset.
Miraculously, I resisted the temptation to be right about my choice and try to dominate the situation. Instead, I removed all the conversation from my brain and allowed his facial expressions, his body language and his unspoken communication into the space without resisting them. In other words, I “re-created” his upset.
And something magical happened.
There materialized in the empty, open space such a sense of kinship, of partnership and loving that each of us realized we would be all right whether we went out or not.
And then, remarkably, he announced that he was fine with staying home. You won’t believe this, but when I heard that, I was struck with the thought that I was truly okay with going out.
I’m sure you’re dying to know what happened, but that’s not the point.
The point is that saying “no” doesn’t have to be a way of dominating or victimizing your partner, as long as you’re telling the truth.
(We went for Szechuan.)
